Self Audit

I write with a lot of emotion including: Anger. Faith. Frustration. Beliefs. Strength. - all descriptions that come to mind once I finished reading my blogs.

I am also a bit of an exaggerator, for example: in my homeless blog - I make a biblical stance saying:

...  I would never cast the first stone -

but then I go on to say - 

this made me want to throw a boulder...

completely irate at the moment I could tell. It also made me laugh just a little, despite the subject, my response is what would be considered childish - a little.  Made me realize  more than I knew, that there are some situations that I am very sensitive and passionate about. There was a lot of frustration in the homeless blog and I could tell I felt out of control because the writing was - a little out of control. This out of control emotion continues to the next video about the Haitian slaves. The first word on that blog is "ANGER" typed in all caps and colored in red. I didn't let up on my emotions, in fact I spent a great deal of time asking rhetorical questions in what appears to be a much needed venting session.

For both the Homeless and Slave blog, I appear to get really angry at those that refuse to take responsibility for themselves. For example,

The  homeless blog I am angry about this woman in Walgreens who cant afford to care for her kids, but yet is pregnant again. Upon listening to her viral conversation on the phone - she clearly has no intention of trying to care for her kids - she is simply leaning on extended family and friends. Then there's the Haitian slaves where I am asking rhetorical questions to the parents of the kids who themselves were once slaves and still willing to put their kids through it. There is also an incidence where I am angry at the Haitians that live in the States that simply ran without looking back - while the world looks at the US to help.

 Yeah - those two subjects absolutely raised my blood pressure which is clear in my words. I could tell that I felt held back, that they were enjoying the wonders of motherhood while I am taking the responsible route and waiting until I married, with a stable income so I can enjoy my kids and my life. I often fill the void of children by babysitting on the weekends, and nothing makes me happier.

It is clear that the posts that gave me the hardest time were the homeless and the slaves - but in the end, after much venting and frustration - I find peace. Usually in the form of taking a strong stance in my faith and knowing that I make a difference when and where I can. My Faith - the strength and the belief of my faith continues to show in most of my posts. Usually in the ones that made me angry or sad - but there was one blog,  Did you know - that was generally positive but I still unconciously mentioned the work of God. There are many instances where I mention the belief I have in myself and in other people. It is clear that I generally believe we are all capable of doing good things in the world and creating a change.The lost Generation blog was perfectly placed in this term - because reading it reflects what I learned from the harsh videos of the past. I even made a few comments I couldn't believe came from me:

By being positive, she then reversed the message, thus reversing the outcome. And that is what change is, it's finding the positive. Reversing the negative, and thus reversing the outcome...

I believe in people, and I believe that they are good. I believe in my generation, most importantly I believe in myself.

Reading that just made me tear up because there are days that are hard - reflected in the posts that made me angry or upset - and then there are days that I am inspired, such as the Lost Generation and the Did you know. I would almost diagnose myself to be bipolor with the constant fluctuation of emotions. However, I wouldnt need to read these blogs to know this fact about myself. My lovely boyfriend tells me all the time that I am extremely intuned with myself and others emotions and thats what makes me a great nurse and a compasionate friend. I believe this trait is what makes me a great customer service rep at the spa, as well as a great nurse at the doctors office. In fact, I hear it everyday about how refreshing it is to have someone "Nice" to talk to. In North Carolina, I blend in, but in South Florida - I am an instant hire.

I never would have thought blogging thoughts, ideas and in my case anger/frustrating emotions would demonstrate where I stand on certain subjects. I read them and couldnt believe these words were mine. I never thought of myself to be a good writer - but from this - I am indeed an emotional writer and could possibly catch the emotions of a reader. I can tell that I am a southerner by heart because none of my blogs are short, and much like this current blog - is more like a diary entry with my mind doing the typing.  My blogs followed no specific structure but usually followed the video from beginning to end. The only blog that was short was This Too Shall Pass, but I believe the previous blogs took an emotional toll on me and I was forced into a few moments of silence. Infact, if I remember correctly, I made a hot cup of tea and went straight to bed which my boyfriend found extremely strange.

Over all,  I appear to be very strong, easily frustrated, but still strong with an intense ability to express my emotions freely - even if it is in a blog that not many would read. It is also clear to me why I was never able to commit to a diary as a child. Before computers, I would have been forced to hand write my emotional entries and as  I would like to consider myself to now be a  mature, patient and well balanced adult - - I can not imagine the fluctuating emotions I went through as a teen, let along trying to write it all down!!!